#27 - Light Relief

I'll get back to today's (now technically - yesterday's) footballing incidents. Until then, let's laugh at the News at the World who think Barcelona will pay £85m for Wayne Rooney.

Ahahahahahhaahaha.

Ahahahah!

Hahahahahaa.

Hahaha..

Ahh..ha..

This is why I do not reading Tabloids.

#26 - Castrol Rankings

I've decided lately to reform the way do these blogs. Instead of essentially copying the excellent Guardian Fiver. I'll just do whatever the hell I want instead. Is it laziness? You betcha.

Today, I'm looking at the Castrol Rankings. I've no idea how these are worked out because stats.. are stats. So mean nothing really. Here's how our lads do and some of our ex-lads as well.

3. Cristiano Ronaldo
4. Gerard Pique
12. Nemanja Vidic
31. Wayne Rooney
39. Dimitar Berbatov
43. Edwin Van Der Sar
53. Michael Carrick
64. Ryan Giggs
Tied at 75. Rio Ferdinand and Jonathan Evans
80. Diego Forlan
92. Patrice Evra
95. John O'Shea
105. Darren Fletcher
123. Giuseppe Rossi
147. Carlos Tevez
173. Ji-Sung Park
180. Antonio Valencia
448. Paul Scholes
646. Phillip Bardsley
700. Anderson
770. Mikael Silvestre
885. Gary Neville
931. Rafael
935. Louis Saha
967. Michael Owen
1028. Nani
1188. Ben Foster
1371. Wes Brown
1382. Gabriel Obertan
1399. Tomasz Kuszczak
1603. Ruud van Nistelrooy
1805. Fraizer Campbell
1839. Ferderico Macheda
1856. Darron Gibson
1948. Fabio
2006. Danny Welbeck
2057. Ritchie de Laet
2164. Chris Eagles
2205. Zoran Tosic (with just 1 point)
Unranked: David Beckham (possible due to time at MLS), Owen Hargreaves (obvious reasons), Rodrigo Possebon, Tom Cleverley, et cetera.

Now then. That basically doesn't mean much. Alot of these are relative with some not playing enough games and others just being obviously wrong. Let's have a look at some more craziness before I continue.

Thierry Henry is the best player in the world. He was probably, at one point back around 2003-2004. Rafael Marquez is the second best defender in the world.

Our own Gerard Pique came out first. I have huge respect for Pique and would love him back, but is he the best centre back in the world? No. Although in time he could well be.

Florent Malouda is apparently better than Andres Iniesta. With Tim Cahill coming a good 21 places higher of, 85th best player in the world, Kaka. Yes, THAT Kaka.

Luca Toni and Claudio Pizarro are higher up than David Villa, Edin Dzeko, Wayne Rooney, Raul and Zlatan IbralookslikeZachBraffovic (My beloved Pippo Inzaghi is tied with Ibrahimovic and Grafite[d Grease]).

Christian Abbiati is the greatest goalkeeper in the world. Hertha Berlin's Jaroslav Droby is second. I admit to not knowing who he is either. Buffon, Cech and Casillas and way below the likes of.. *ahem*.. Robert Green, Thomas Sorensen and Heurelho Gomes.

So. What is the point of this post? Not much really. Except to emphasis the point (if it hasn't been enough already) that stats in football are meaningless and misleading. You can rack up your pass count, saves per shots ratio and goals per minutes. But it's meaningless. To be a top class player, you must first play for a top class team in which you are winning major trophies.

I'm unranked by the way.

Peace!

#25 - Bumper

Your resident blogger apologises for the lateness of this bumper-ish edition post, but you'll just have to get over it. I'm not getting paid! So, where to start?

Manchester United (pictured) will come back from Moscow very satisfied with what was in my opinion our best performance this new season. Excluding the first 70 minutes or so against Bolton Wanderers. Antonio Valencia has recently decided the upside to scoring goals and enjoying a rich bit of form. Nani has looked good, yes I just said that. Fabio was excellent on wednesday, and it's hard to pick out a bad performer. No Nemanja, put your hand down.

For those who are in anyway visual impaired, were obstructed by a large object or just fell asleep whilst watching the television. Listening to the commentators on wednesday afternoon you would think you were watching Alan Titchmarsh's brand new show: "Blades of Grass". With far more talk about grass, bouncing of balls on grass and so forth football seemed to be on the back burner.

The win in a tough Moscow climate but's us more than comfortable in our Champions League group and it would take a cock up of freakish proportions to push us off it. Home games against CSKA and Besiktas still to come we're pretty much there. This cannot be said for Liverpool. Who still have to travel to Lyon and host Fiorentina. As we look ready to get our revenge for the taunts we had to suffer in 2005.

Liverpool will feature a few more times in this blog. Mainly because of the huge game coming up this Sunday, with question marks over the only two Liverpool players who actually are any good, this has all of us licking our lips unlike the baby pictured.

Of course. Liverpool lately are more associated with beach balls. With one Liverpool beach ball sold on on Ebay for £43. Do I really need to say anything more over this subject? It's still hilarious. With the misfortunes of said Beach Ball and Ballon Boy it is not a good time to be an inflatable object. Sammy Lee is said to be looking nervous.

Rio Ferdinand is a hot topic right now. And this blogger has no idea why. Yes, he has certainly made mistakes lately, but this is always likely with Rio, we should expect that. Just because he's been in the form of his life for the past two seasons and only now has dipped slightly people think it's the end of the world. Yes, Jonny Evans is banging on the door for a first team spot, but that is only because he is an excellent prospect. And yes, Nemanja Vidic did have a few shaky moments in CSKA, but honestly he's been much better than that earlier on the season. A nice powerful tower-above-Jamie-Carragher header in front of the kop on sunday would be nice though.

Since this blogger was too lazy to update on the weekend, last cast our minds back to the Bolton Wanderers match. A slowly improving (and unlucky not to be higher in the league) Bolton Wanderers side were the visitors. A 2-1 really did flatter Bolton, unless you only saw the last 15 minutes or so in which for some reason we decided to crawl up in to a ball and hope Bolton didn't score. With the old Bolton tactics of hoofing up as far as possible and hoping something happens always a threat, they were honestly unlucky not to equalise later on. Of course, they were also lucky not to be 6-0 down at half time.

Oh. There was an international break before that.. oh.. ah... I'm still awake. No, I just can't handle it; I've lost my mojo now.

This blog has been brought to you by;

• Shreddies.
• A very poor lack of self discipline.
• The awesome sounds of Mariachi el Bronx.
• The very excellent, Uncharted 2.
  

I've not forgotten you.

New blog post coming Thursday! In which will be discussed: CSKA, Beach Balls, Silly-questions-getting-no-answers, Ballon d'ors, Rio Ferdinand, Michael Green the new Lucasian Professor of Mathematics, Swine Flu vaccinations, Postal Strikes, Favourite Films A-C, Uncharted 2 and Dating.

I might not be able to get through all that, but we'll see.

#24 - Brothers

Family. Brothers. Where would we be without them? In the case of Rio Ferdinand we would be one point worse off in the Premier League table. Similar to Phil Neville's own goal for us a few years ago when we came from behind to beat Everton 4-2. I couldn't find a video of Phil's own goal. So watch this classic Phil Neville moment instead.

Despite rescuing a draw against Sunderland at home questions will no doubt be asked about Ben Foster (pictured). Questions that have already been asked this season but now people are just asking louder prodding until they get an answer. There is no doubt that Ben Foster has the potential to be fantastic, he just needs a bit of a head check. This reminds me of Tim Howard. We got rid of him and he went to Everton and turned out to be a very good goalkeeper indeed. Before Foster's error, Berbatov answered some of his critics with a superbly taken bicycle kick goal. And the points were saved when good old Anton Ferdinand helped us out. Cameras cut to Rio Ferdinand, who for some reason is not laughing.

So what does this all mean? Are we actually terrible? Are we staring relegation in the face?

Of course not. We have games like this in every season. 8 wins and 1 draw in 9 games is still championship form games like these serve as a kick up the back side. It also gives Sir Alex Ferguson a superb chance for some misdirection.

Like a Las Vegas magician, Sir Alex distracted everyone's attention from our teams shortcomings in the match (heck, in the second half Nani was one of our better players) with a superb dig at Alan Wiley for being unhealthy. The crowd forgets about Ben Foster and the subpar match against Sunderland disappears. The crowd clap and cheer. David Copperfield burns with envy. FA's not covinced.

Hell. Jeff Winter certainly wasn't impressed. Which almost certainly means Sir Alex is right. Jeff Winter says Sir Alex would never have called Alan Wiley fit to his face. What Jeff Winter is forgetting as that Sir Alex knows Nemanja Vidic. He can say what he wants to anyone and know nothing bad will happen. Oh. Classic Soccer AM moment. The MMS "sent in" afterwards is pure genius.

Edin Dzeko liked it though. As he accepts Fergie's praise. Sir Alex no doubt buttering up the superb bosnian who could be the Benzema that he wanted this year... next year.

Le Havre are still banging on about Paul Pogba. They know the player doesn't want to stay with them, they just want him back so they can wait a few years and sell him off for about £10,000,000 to another club. Is that selfish? yes! Is it savy? yes! Le Havre have talked alot about fake contracts, parents and sucking up to FIFA. But not once have they actually mentioned what Le player Le wants, Havre they?

Ritchie de Laet has just now signed a new contract with us. De Laet has looked very promising for us in his first team appearances and you'd have to go to the United Youth blog to find out how he is does in the Reserves. I heard he signed it quickly and the was no De-lae. Yes, I just don't stop with bad puns.

So now what? International br.. zzzzz. We'll be back in action against Bolton Wanderers on the 17th. I may try and sneak in another blog post until then.

This blog has been brought to you:

• 3 days late.
• Full of Rice Krispies.
• In the mood for some Hot Chocolate.
• International break? Noooooo!
  

#23 - Knight

Cryogenics, Fountain of Youth, Being a Vampire. These things may keep you alive for a very long time, but obviously-soon-to-be-knighted (thus pictured) Ryan Giggs doesn't need any of it.

In what will be one of our tougher games of the group stages (Wolfsburg and CSKA away probably being the toughest) we came back from behind to secure a valuable 2-1 win against the reigning Bundesliga champions.

It didn't start off too well with a fairly average first half and (criminally underrated) Dzeko's goal giving the Germans the lead. Minutes later Ryan Giggs' deflected free kick and his 150th goal for Manchester United equalised. What made this free kick even more special was Anderson's stare at the goal keeper for the entire time. Looking like a warrior ready to pounce on him even if he flinched. See a picture of it in it's (low-res) glory here.

"Under-fire" (from some critics and possibly naval air cannons) Michael Carrick who by far had his best game of the new season sealed the win with a delightful finish curling the ball into the top right corner. Very similar to his 2nd goal against AS Roma in our 7-1 mauling in 2007. We now top our group and are a few wins away from already being qualified. Which everyone sort of already knew we would anyway.

On the down side Michael Owen was taken off early on in the match after injuring his groin. A problem that he had during training days earlier. Though even if he remains injured until the end of the season his goal against Manchester City is more than enough to mean it's perfectly acceptable.

Rumours circulating about possible transfer targets for January or Summer. Bolton's best player Gary Cahill who really deserves an England cap has been linked. This though seems unlikely with us having Vidic, Ferdinand, Evans, Brown and O'Shea who can all cover for centre back as well as James Chester who seems to have a bright future with us.

Another quality young player Sporting Clube de Portugal Goalkeeper Rui Patricio is also one linked with us. We're apparently keeping tabs on him. I'm not sure what it's a tab of, but we have it. Surely though with Van Der Sar possibly staying in goal until the end of the world and Ben Foster with the potential to be one of the best.. is he really needed? Even Tomasz Kuszczak is looking good lately. With two good performances against Wolves and Wolfsburg.

Rosenborg's Anthony Annan is another one linked with us. Sky Sports describes him as "all-action". Although we can safely assume if he has a bad game who remain mostly Annanymous. Thank you, I'm here all week.

This has been brought to you by;

• Terrible weather again.
• Pretending to know about Norwegien football.
• This picture.
  

#22 - Immortal

So. Here's today's bumper (by my standards) edition of everyone's least favourite blog beginning with "Rossobianch". Mainly due to laziness of not writing one midweek. But enough of midweek already.

United continued winning ways with a comfy looking 2-0 win against Stoke City. Stoke, who like to combine ugly football with ugly footballers ([2] [3] [4]), weren't exactly full of attacking menace. At all. Ben Foster could have had an awful game but we really don't know.

The breakthroughs came when Ryan Giggs (pictured) came on for the disappointing Nani (sound familiar?). Giggs went on to add 2 assists to his 3 last week. The ones amongst you whose favourite Sesame Street character was the Count will know that this adds up to 5 assists in a row for the 20-ish year old left winger. Berbatov and John O'Shea the ones who managed to put it on the back of the net from that point onwards. Paul Scholes deserves special mention for having the ball so much in the match that I'm quite sure he brought his own separate one with him today.

With a surprise result of Wigan Athletic beating Chelsea 3-1. This puts us back up to the top of the table once more on goal difference. Or goals scored, depending which site you read.

But enough about today! Who cares about the present when there is the past? In our Carling Cup 3rd round tie against Wolves, it was an easy 1-0 thanks to Danny Welbeck's goal following a one-two with Michael Owen. Fabio da Silva was sent off early on but if you missed that bit and watched the match you would never realise this unless you were sad enough to count players. Or unless you were Dimitar Berbatov look-a-like Count von Count.. "nine players, ten players... AH AH AH!"

On top of that today was the 4th round draw of the Cheap Lager Cup and the reserves will be playing away to Barnsley.

Is that it? No! Of course there's more news..

One of our club's ambassadors, Bryan Robson has decided to take his not-so-brilliant-as-he-was-a-player management skills to Thailand. Presumably because it's so far away and no one from home will ever watch it.

If in the blue half of Manchester they're using their billions to create a time machine to go back to last weekend just to bitch, moan and be bitter about it then maybe here's something to get them thinking. They will complain of corruption, crazy conspiracies, and black helicopters. But maybe the (perfectly normal) extra added time was because of their colour? It's a very interesting read.

Now that's over. We need to look forward to our rather tough home game against Wolfsburg midweek. Grafite certainly, needs to be stopped from doing this.

This blog has been brought to you by;

• Wondering if Sampdoria are good enough to challenge for Serie A.
• Yum-Yums.
• Wondering what other football players look like muppets. Mick McCarthy does look like Sam the Eagle.