#30 - Rossobianchi Award 2009

So this blog has not been going enough to be a full year, but that doesn't mean we can't do end of year award. Everyone loves them. The internet loves lists. Not as much as it loves cats, sadly. Anyway. I only have one award, having more than one is totally played out.

Rossobianchi Player of the Year 2009:

Rossobianchi's Player of the Year didn't sign for Real Madrid, doesn't play for Barcelona (neither do 2nd, 3rd, 4th and 5th), didn't name their son "Kai Wayne", didn't sell access to the clubs training ground despite being captain of their club and country, didn't handball twice and after Paul McShane defended badly and whilst Shay Given was out of position, didn't blame Ireland's defence for the goal and join Ipswich Town as manager, is shockingly not called Filippo Inzaghi, isn't Xmas #1, would have done something at the Copenhagen summit, didn't turn on the Large Hardon Collider, and definitely did not die before his super sell out tour.

Of course. I'm talking of Patrice Evra. The most amusing player at United for a good long time. Evra has given us magic moments of comedy entertainment and consistently brilliant performances.

We (just me) are sure this award will mean more to him more than any trophy ever could.

Don't worry though. Real blog coming post-Xmas. Probably after we lose 3-0 to Hull City as Bobby Zamora plays in disguise and de Laet, Evra and even Mike Phelan are injured by a falling satellite. Curiously a bSkyb one. You heard it here first.

This half-arsed blog has been brought to you by;

• Being so old that I now find Festivus far more exciting than Xmas.
• Refusing to say Christmas because I'm a stubborn "militant" atheist.
• Making excuses to constantly eat fast food.
  

Surprise!

Apologies of course, for the lack of updates. My little brain (pictured) has been making hard work of things and my chronic laziness has peaked. I will get back to updating this again... when I think of something funny.

Until then I'm going to avoid any sort of defending in case I get injured.

#29 - Sense

In a move of sheer laziness I'm just to link to another article to bring it to attention. This is from the Guardian's (Manchester United supporting) Rob Smyth:

Have referees closed ranks against Manchester United?

It's a very good read. Interesting stuff! And hey... it counts as a new blog post so makes me feel like I actually do good work.

I'm going to pat myself on the back from a while.

#28 - Outbursts

Oh. Nani! Bless him. If he had a brain he'd be bloody brilliant. Unfortunately, he has not. His talent is frequently wasted with poor decisions. Then every now and then he'll do something absolutely superb. Like a true winger, really.

If you're not big on news, but big on frequently unattractive females with big tits (that's what the 4th beer of the night is for), you probably read The Sun or something similar. Yes I realise I made fun of tabloids (pictured) in the last blog post but I may as well keep up a good rhythm. The Sun loves to sensationalise more than anyone.

Let's see how they took this: Big headline - You’re screwing up my career (in capitals, of course) Here's his actual quotes:

"Ferguson is a very complicated man. He's tough. If things are all right, then they are all right. But when he thinks something is wrong, everything is screwed. He can go from complimenting you to just plain trashing you in a matter of minutes. Has it happened to me? Hell, yes! He'll say 'Nani, how could you miss this or this'?"

Not exactly a revelation so far.

"He shouts at players in front of everyone. No one escapes, everybody is the same. Giggs and Neville suffer most, because they have more experience. It is 'Fuck' here and 'Fuck' there."

Old news.

"People expect more from me and it's not easy. But they are also not doing what they said they were going to. I know it would be better if I scored more goals. I can have a spectacular game but nobody guarantees me I will be starting the next match. It shatters your confidence. I did not play the important matches, against Liverpool, Manchester City or Tottenham. Not playing these games, I am a bit sad. But for now I am not considering leaving."

Is his career being mismanaged? "As it is now, I think so."

Well. Maybe if you played better then, Nani. Still not biggie. He has the right to complain about not getting a run of games, because he's not at all. None of our squad are. Whether that helps in the long run for a long season or hinders player development for now... is a matter for people who are getting paid to write about things like this. For free... this all you get from me.

Cutting out The Sun's keywords of "astonishing", "explosive", and of course "no-holds-barred". Which make it sound like a pretty good wrestling cage match.. really there's not much to see here. If I ran a paper (I'll call it Gazzetta della Me) the headline would be "disgruntled player is disgruntled".

#27 - Light Relief

I'll get back to today's (now technically - yesterday's) footballing incidents. Until then, let's laugh at the News at the World who think Barcelona will pay £85m for Wayne Rooney.

Ahahahahahhaahaha.

Ahahahah!

Hahahahahaa.

Hahaha..

Ahh..ha..

This is why I do not reading Tabloids.

#26 - Castrol Rankings

I've decided lately to reform the way do these blogs. Instead of essentially copying the excellent Guardian Fiver. I'll just do whatever the hell I want instead. Is it laziness? You betcha.

Today, I'm looking at the Castrol Rankings. I've no idea how these are worked out because stats.. are stats. So mean nothing really. Here's how our lads do and some of our ex-lads as well.

3. Cristiano Ronaldo
4. Gerard Pique
12. Nemanja Vidic
31. Wayne Rooney
39. Dimitar Berbatov
43. Edwin Van Der Sar
53. Michael Carrick
64. Ryan Giggs
Tied at 75. Rio Ferdinand and Jonathan Evans
80. Diego Forlan
92. Patrice Evra
95. John O'Shea
105. Darren Fletcher
123. Giuseppe Rossi
147. Carlos Tevez
173. Ji-Sung Park
180. Antonio Valencia
448. Paul Scholes
646. Phillip Bardsley
700. Anderson
770. Mikael Silvestre
885. Gary Neville
931. Rafael
935. Louis Saha
967. Michael Owen
1028. Nani
1188. Ben Foster
1371. Wes Brown
1382. Gabriel Obertan
1399. Tomasz Kuszczak
1603. Ruud van Nistelrooy
1805. Fraizer Campbell
1839. Ferderico Macheda
1856. Darron Gibson
1948. Fabio
2006. Danny Welbeck
2057. Ritchie de Laet
2164. Chris Eagles
2205. Zoran Tosic (with just 1 point)
Unranked: David Beckham (possible due to time at MLS), Owen Hargreaves (obvious reasons), Rodrigo Possebon, Tom Cleverley, et cetera.

Now then. That basically doesn't mean much. Alot of these are relative with some not playing enough games and others just being obviously wrong. Let's have a look at some more craziness before I continue.

Thierry Henry is the best player in the world. He was probably, at one point back around 2003-2004. Rafael Marquez is the second best defender in the world.

Our own Gerard Pique came out first. I have huge respect for Pique and would love him back, but is he the best centre back in the world? No. Although in time he could well be.

Florent Malouda is apparently better than Andres Iniesta. With Tim Cahill coming a good 21 places higher of, 85th best player in the world, Kaka. Yes, THAT Kaka.

Luca Toni and Claudio Pizarro are higher up than David Villa, Edin Dzeko, Wayne Rooney, Raul and Zlatan IbralookslikeZachBraffovic (My beloved Pippo Inzaghi is tied with Ibrahimovic and Grafite[d Grease]).

Christian Abbiati is the greatest goalkeeper in the world. Hertha Berlin's Jaroslav Droby is second. I admit to not knowing who he is either. Buffon, Cech and Casillas and way below the likes of.. *ahem*.. Robert Green, Thomas Sorensen and Heurelho Gomes.

So. What is the point of this post? Not much really. Except to emphasis the point (if it hasn't been enough already) that stats in football are meaningless and misleading. You can rack up your pass count, saves per shots ratio and goals per minutes. But it's meaningless. To be a top class player, you must first play for a top class team in which you are winning major trophies.

I'm unranked by the way.

Peace!

#25 - Bumper

Your resident blogger apologises for the lateness of this bumper-ish edition post, but you'll just have to get over it. I'm not getting paid! So, where to start?

Manchester United (pictured) will come back from Moscow very satisfied with what was in my opinion our best performance this new season. Excluding the first 70 minutes or so against Bolton Wanderers. Antonio Valencia has recently decided the upside to scoring goals and enjoying a rich bit of form. Nani has looked good, yes I just said that. Fabio was excellent on wednesday, and it's hard to pick out a bad performer. No Nemanja, put your hand down.

For those who are in anyway visual impaired, were obstructed by a large object or just fell asleep whilst watching the television. Listening to the commentators on wednesday afternoon you would think you were watching Alan Titchmarsh's brand new show: "Blades of Grass". With far more talk about grass, bouncing of balls on grass and so forth football seemed to be on the back burner.

The win in a tough Moscow climate but's us more than comfortable in our Champions League group and it would take a cock up of freakish proportions to push us off it. Home games against CSKA and Besiktas still to come we're pretty much there. This cannot be said for Liverpool. Who still have to travel to Lyon and host Fiorentina. As we look ready to get our revenge for the taunts we had to suffer in 2005.

Liverpool will feature a few more times in this blog. Mainly because of the huge game coming up this Sunday, with question marks over the only two Liverpool players who actually are any good, this has all of us licking our lips unlike the baby pictured.

Of course. Liverpool lately are more associated with beach balls. With one Liverpool beach ball sold on on Ebay for £43. Do I really need to say anything more over this subject? It's still hilarious. With the misfortunes of said Beach Ball and Ballon Boy it is not a good time to be an inflatable object. Sammy Lee is said to be looking nervous.

Rio Ferdinand is a hot topic right now. And this blogger has no idea why. Yes, he has certainly made mistakes lately, but this is always likely with Rio, we should expect that. Just because he's been in the form of his life for the past two seasons and only now has dipped slightly people think it's the end of the world. Yes, Jonny Evans is banging on the door for a first team spot, but that is only because he is an excellent prospect. And yes, Nemanja Vidic did have a few shaky moments in CSKA, but honestly he's been much better than that earlier on the season. A nice powerful tower-above-Jamie-Carragher header in front of the kop on sunday would be nice though.

Since this blogger was too lazy to update on the weekend, last cast our minds back to the Bolton Wanderers match. A slowly improving (and unlucky not to be higher in the league) Bolton Wanderers side were the visitors. A 2-1 really did flatter Bolton, unless you only saw the last 15 minutes or so in which for some reason we decided to crawl up in to a ball and hope Bolton didn't score. With the old Bolton tactics of hoofing up as far as possible and hoping something happens always a threat, they were honestly unlucky not to equalise later on. Of course, they were also lucky not to be 6-0 down at half time.

Oh. There was an international break before that.. oh.. ah... I'm still awake. No, I just can't handle it; I've lost my mojo now.

This blog has been brought to you by;

• Shreddies.
• A very poor lack of self discipline.
• The awesome sounds of Mariachi el Bronx.
• The very excellent, Uncharted 2.
  

I've not forgotten you.

New blog post coming Thursday! In which will be discussed: CSKA, Beach Balls, Silly-questions-getting-no-answers, Ballon d'ors, Rio Ferdinand, Michael Green the new Lucasian Professor of Mathematics, Swine Flu vaccinations, Postal Strikes, Favourite Films A-C, Uncharted 2 and Dating.

I might not be able to get through all that, but we'll see.

#24 - Brothers

Family. Brothers. Where would we be without them? In the case of Rio Ferdinand we would be one point worse off in the Premier League table. Similar to Phil Neville's own goal for us a few years ago when we came from behind to beat Everton 4-2. I couldn't find a video of Phil's own goal. So watch this classic Phil Neville moment instead.

Despite rescuing a draw against Sunderland at home questions will no doubt be asked about Ben Foster (pictured). Questions that have already been asked this season but now people are just asking louder prodding until they get an answer. There is no doubt that Ben Foster has the potential to be fantastic, he just needs a bit of a head check. This reminds me of Tim Howard. We got rid of him and he went to Everton and turned out to be a very good goalkeeper indeed. Before Foster's error, Berbatov answered some of his critics with a superbly taken bicycle kick goal. And the points were saved when good old Anton Ferdinand helped us out. Cameras cut to Rio Ferdinand, who for some reason is not laughing.

So what does this all mean? Are we actually terrible? Are we staring relegation in the face?

Of course not. We have games like this in every season. 8 wins and 1 draw in 9 games is still championship form games like these serve as a kick up the back side. It also gives Sir Alex Ferguson a superb chance for some misdirection.

Like a Las Vegas magician, Sir Alex distracted everyone's attention from our teams shortcomings in the match (heck, in the second half Nani was one of our better players) with a superb dig at Alan Wiley for being unhealthy. The crowd forgets about Ben Foster and the subpar match against Sunderland disappears. The crowd clap and cheer. David Copperfield burns with envy. FA's not covinced.

Hell. Jeff Winter certainly wasn't impressed. Which almost certainly means Sir Alex is right. Jeff Winter says Sir Alex would never have called Alan Wiley fit to his face. What Jeff Winter is forgetting as that Sir Alex knows Nemanja Vidic. He can say what he wants to anyone and know nothing bad will happen. Oh. Classic Soccer AM moment. The MMS "sent in" afterwards is pure genius.

Edin Dzeko liked it though. As he accepts Fergie's praise. Sir Alex no doubt buttering up the superb bosnian who could be the Benzema that he wanted this year... next year.

Le Havre are still banging on about Paul Pogba. They know the player doesn't want to stay with them, they just want him back so they can wait a few years and sell him off for about £10,000,000 to another club. Is that selfish? yes! Is it savy? yes! Le Havre have talked alot about fake contracts, parents and sucking up to FIFA. But not once have they actually mentioned what Le player Le wants, Havre they?

Ritchie de Laet has just now signed a new contract with us. De Laet has looked very promising for us in his first team appearances and you'd have to go to the United Youth blog to find out how he is does in the Reserves. I heard he signed it quickly and the was no De-lae. Yes, I just don't stop with bad puns.

So now what? International br.. zzzzz. We'll be back in action against Bolton Wanderers on the 17th. I may try and sneak in another blog post until then.

This blog has been brought to you:

• 3 days late.
• Full of Rice Krispies.
• In the mood for some Hot Chocolate.
• International break? Noooooo!
  

#23 - Knight

Cryogenics, Fountain of Youth, Being a Vampire. These things may keep you alive for a very long time, but obviously-soon-to-be-knighted (thus pictured) Ryan Giggs doesn't need any of it.

In what will be one of our tougher games of the group stages (Wolfsburg and CSKA away probably being the toughest) we came back from behind to secure a valuable 2-1 win against the reigning Bundesliga champions.

It didn't start off too well with a fairly average first half and (criminally underrated) Dzeko's goal giving the Germans the lead. Minutes later Ryan Giggs' deflected free kick and his 150th goal for Manchester United equalised. What made this free kick even more special was Anderson's stare at the goal keeper for the entire time. Looking like a warrior ready to pounce on him even if he flinched. See a picture of it in it's (low-res) glory here.

"Under-fire" (from some critics and possibly naval air cannons) Michael Carrick who by far had his best game of the new season sealed the win with a delightful finish curling the ball into the top right corner. Very similar to his 2nd goal against AS Roma in our 7-1 mauling in 2007. We now top our group and are a few wins away from already being qualified. Which everyone sort of already knew we would anyway.

On the down side Michael Owen was taken off early on in the match after injuring his groin. A problem that he had during training days earlier. Though even if he remains injured until the end of the season his goal against Manchester City is more than enough to mean it's perfectly acceptable.

Rumours circulating about possible transfer targets for January or Summer. Bolton's best player Gary Cahill who really deserves an England cap has been linked. This though seems unlikely with us having Vidic, Ferdinand, Evans, Brown and O'Shea who can all cover for centre back as well as James Chester who seems to have a bright future with us.

Another quality young player Sporting Clube de Portugal Goalkeeper Rui Patricio is also one linked with us. We're apparently keeping tabs on him. I'm not sure what it's a tab of, but we have it. Surely though with Van Der Sar possibly staying in goal until the end of the world and Ben Foster with the potential to be one of the best.. is he really needed? Even Tomasz Kuszczak is looking good lately. With two good performances against Wolves and Wolfsburg.

Rosenborg's Anthony Annan is another one linked with us. Sky Sports describes him as "all-action". Although we can safely assume if he has a bad game who remain mostly Annanymous. Thank you, I'm here all week.

This has been brought to you by;

• Terrible weather again.
• Pretending to know about Norwegien football.
• This picture.
  

#22 - Immortal

So. Here's today's bumper (by my standards) edition of everyone's least favourite blog beginning with "Rossobianch". Mainly due to laziness of not writing one midweek. But enough of midweek already.

United continued winning ways with a comfy looking 2-0 win against Stoke City. Stoke, who like to combine ugly football with ugly footballers ([2] [3] [4]), weren't exactly full of attacking menace. At all. Ben Foster could have had an awful game but we really don't know.

The breakthroughs came when Ryan Giggs (pictured) came on for the disappointing Nani (sound familiar?). Giggs went on to add 2 assists to his 3 last week. The ones amongst you whose favourite Sesame Street character was the Count will know that this adds up to 5 assists in a row for the 20-ish year old left winger. Berbatov and John O'Shea the ones who managed to put it on the back of the net from that point onwards. Paul Scholes deserves special mention for having the ball so much in the match that I'm quite sure he brought his own separate one with him today.

With a surprise result of Wigan Athletic beating Chelsea 3-1. This puts us back up to the top of the table once more on goal difference. Or goals scored, depending which site you read.

But enough about today! Who cares about the present when there is the past? In our Carling Cup 3rd round tie against Wolves, it was an easy 1-0 thanks to Danny Welbeck's goal following a one-two with Michael Owen. Fabio da Silva was sent off early on but if you missed that bit and watched the match you would never realise this unless you were sad enough to count players. Or unless you were Dimitar Berbatov look-a-like Count von Count.. "nine players, ten players... AH AH AH!"

On top of that today was the 4th round draw of the Cheap Lager Cup and the reserves will be playing away to Barnsley.

Is that it? No! Of course there's more news..

One of our club's ambassadors, Bryan Robson has decided to take his not-so-brilliant-as-he-was-a-player management skills to Thailand. Presumably because it's so far away and no one from home will ever watch it.

If in the blue half of Manchester they're using their billions to create a time machine to go back to last weekend just to bitch, moan and be bitter about it then maybe here's something to get them thinking. They will complain of corruption, crazy conspiracies, and black helicopters. But maybe the (perfectly normal) extra added time was because of their colour? It's a very interesting read.

Now that's over. We need to look forward to our rather tough home game against Wolfsburg midweek. Grafite certainly, needs to be stopped from doing this.

This blog has been brought to you by;

• Wondering if Sampdoria are good enough to challenge for Serie A.
• Yum-Yums.
• Wondering what other football players look like muppets. Mick McCarthy does look like Sam the Eagle.
  

#21 - Joy

As the red half of Manchester will be falling asleep with a huge grin on itself and for the first time since the last derby win, actually looking forward to work. The blue half (pictured) will be having sleepless nights and shouting "it was only 4 minutes added time, ref!".

This I feel I need to address first. I have a feeling this will be the biggest argument heard from City fans for the next year. Now. Firstly, there's a reason the announcer always says "a minimum of x minutes added time". This a minimum. People hopefully don't believe that by some bizarre circumstance every time the referee adds on time during stoppages in the match it doesn't miraculously end up being an exact minute. This is just the minute they put on the boards. It could well have been 4 minutes, 59 seconds and was rounded down. We don't know. Now, I have that goal put down as 95:28. So, let's say by some strange coincidence it was exactly 4 minutes that the referee had as added time. That leaves 1 and 28 seconds. Bellamy's goal scored in the 89th minute, with play not resuming until the 91st minute as well as the substitution for Michael Carrick to come on (which correct me if I'm wrong, I believe adds 30 seconds) more than covers it. Phew. Let's carry on.

The game itself was rather exciting. What was a pretty even first half with a dire Ben Foster mistake letting Carlos Tevez (with the way the commentators talked of his closing down it was as if no other play ever closes down, only Tevez does it. He invented closing down.) pass into Gareth Barry to score. In the first minute Rooney put us ahead. Second half was all United besides the two Bellamy goals. 79% possession and what should have been a Berbatov hatrick. Then in the 95th minute, sheer ecstasy as Michael Owen makes us completely forget he ever played for Liverpool (did he? Didn't someone just make that up as a joke?) by scoring a huge goal and celebrating like a nut. Quite a relief really. Especially since Sir Alex, Ben Foster and Nemanja Vidic this week all knocked City's title bid.

The good news doesn't stop there. Craig Bellamy, the essence of calm, was snapped punching or pushing very hard with his hand in a fist shape the face of a fan. Mark Hughes (who seems to have become deluded with wealth) tried to defend the actions by comparing it something Brian Clough did with a fan many years earlier. Brian Clough also fired two tea ladies for laughing after a defeat. It does not mean Craig Bellamy can fire tea ladies either. Mark Hughes really is going a bit off the boil accusing life long Manchester United fan Gary Neville of "over celebrating". Hm. I wonder who's player has been in a row of celebrating lately, Mark? Sparky also invented a penalty claim of Patrice Evra apparently fouling Carlos Tevez.

On a related note, did anyone see Patrice Evra boo as he promised?

More good news! Book maker William Hill lost approximately £1,000,000 due to Michael Owen's late winner. They then issued a statement that makes them sound very bitter. How fitting.

In less interesting (but still good) news...

Park Ji-Sung has extended his stay until 2012. Which if you're stupid, is apparently when the world will end. The Mayan calender is not a suitable use for determining the life expectancy of the world. These are the same people who tore out children's hearts as a sacrifice.

Now then. Next up is the Reserves' Carling Cup 3rd round tie against Mick McCarthy's Wolves. And until then let's gloat.

This blog has been brought you by;

• Ignoring our shambolic defending.
• Finding every piece of Manchester United memorabilia I own and strapping it to myself to walk around Manchester with tomorrow.
• The Michael Owen fan club.
  

#20 - Rage

After a match that didn't quite serve up entertainment like our match against Spurs. We left Besiktas with a win, and 3 very good points away from home in a very tough climate thanks to Paul Scholes' very clever headed finish.

If anyone at all is worried about Wayne Rooney (pictured) and his temperment then they shouldn't be. Although he has matured a huge amount since he joined us way-back-when he of course still has his hot streak. And giving some stick to Turkish fans (maybe it was polite conversation?) and throwing down his boot in anger next a very worried looking Fabio isn't really much but a refreshing display of passion. Thankfully, since Wayne Rooney is english we will not be getting any headlines like "Rooney wants out to Real Mardid". Every time Cristiano Ronaldo did a sulk it was essential the same thing but no one blew it over quite so easily.

In spite of our win for this week at least, we sit second in our group due to Wolfsburg's impressive 3-1 win over CSKA. Although essentially now if we get 3 home wins we're home and try and through to the last 16.

Sir Alex Ferguson has tipped Paul Scholes to continue to play forever. Which is good news of course. With Ryan Giggs also set to play until the end of time as well only AC Milan can look on in envy of our experienced stars. Expect a £50m bid from Milan for Ryan Giggs in about 3 years.

Patrice Evra (still, why not a chant for him?) has continued to be a legend again. Saying that he'd boo (old best friend) Carlos Tevez with the United fans. Paddy Evra probably has more love for this club than some of our homegrown players.

David Silva is apparently going to leave Valencia sometime soon according to the press just because he said the ol' phrase "things can change in the future". But either way, we must be over that like flies over poo-poo. If not, I will start by own club and put in a bid for him.

Craig Cathcart as joined Watford on loan until january. Nothing to see here...

Does anyone else find it strange that English international Owen Hargreaves will not be counted as a home grown player under the new Premier League rules? True he hasn't been trained in England but he is (essentially) English.

So. Most importantly next up is Manchester City at home this sunday. City may well be without Robinho, Tevez and Adebayor. We may well be without Rio Ferdinand. Ben Foster will still having ringing in his ears after "not being able to think" due to the noise in Turkey.

Besides that though, we've still got a great team in what will be one of the most hotly contested Mancunian derbies in years. I'm practically on the edge of my seat already. Or so Sky Sports would want me to be.

This blog has been brought you by;

• Thinking Flavio Briatore was just really clever for making Nelson Piquet Jr. crash in Singapore.
• Still not caring about the UEFA Cup... uh... Europa League.
• Trying to think of a catchy chant for Paddy Evra.
  

#19 - Entertainment

After a dull week of international football. We've finally had some entertainment, as we usually get anytime we play Spurs.

Rio Ferdinand (pictured) returned in what was an excellent performance despite Jermaine Defoe's early over head kick. Excellent Ryan Giggs' free kick was a beauty to behold. Then in something that is less likely then Derren Brown *actually* finding a system for the lottery numbers, Anderson scored his first official goal for us. Paul Scholes' classic style of tackling (i.e. not tackling) earnt him a yellow card, before doing nothing earnt him a second one. Still though, unless you take the delightful job in counting the players on the pitch then you wouldn't have noticed United were down to ten men at all. Except, annoyingly enough a small red blip under United's name on the ESPN scoreboard. Totally distracting and annoying, I hope you agree. United's dominace continued as Wayne Rooney rapped up the points in impressive style.

A great win for us all especially with such a tough away fixture after an international break, putting us up in to second place. Although since it's not December yet, positions don't mean anything. Just ask Hull City this time last year.

In other news, Le Havre are still piping on about Paul Pogba, FIFA and Mickey Mouse contracts. With blatant disregard for what superbly named Paul Pogba wants and the fact that really this media love-in for Under-18s moving club is a minor fad. In Florence, a city full of style they don't want to be behind with the fads and they too are jealous of United's pulling power and looking to complain to FIFA about us taking (poaching, stealing, whatever) also excellently named Michele Fornasier.

Remember back in the ninties when everyone was crazy for enchroachment? Pass backs? Rules that hardly anyone tends to care about anymore. This happens alot in football. Much like bungs and tapping up, which everyone knows happens, but everyone just shushes about it and hopes Sepp Blatter continues devising new methods of getting the womans' football teams to strip for him personally.

On other news, "What accent is that?" Owen Hargreaves is on his way back... probably. Given the nod (although this blogger imagines no nods were actually used in this transaction) in the Champions League squad ahead of de Laet and Tosic, Hargo could make the last 3 games. Presuming he does do, has no further set backs, and returns to his earlier form he could be a superb assest for the rest of the season.

Ben Foster looked superb again today but don't tell Ignor Akinfeev, who wants to play for us. Definitely better than Tomasz Ku...sz....k Tomasz. The man who's name you wish you could use in scrabble. Though would he really be worth it with Edwin Van Der Sar seemingly the basis for Dorian Gray?

This blog has been brought you by;

• Wondering if Anderson has ever really shat on Fabgras?
• Trying to get within Derren Brown's circle of friends.
• Looking forward to the Champions League.
  

#18 - Climbing

Despite being mostly the better team Arsene Wenger's (pictured) Arsenal were sent home with no points at all. Something David Bentley wouldn't mind. Although the performance wasn't exactly sensational the commentators favourite cliche of winning when you're not being at your best is certainly to quote another commentator cliche, is the hallmark of Champions. Climbing around Old Trafford though, Arsene, is the hallmark of stupidity. Still. 3 points in the bag against one of our main title contenders this season. There's not too much to complain about, but inevitably people will.

This becomes doubly annoying as the International... zzzz... zzzz... zzzz. Oh sorry. The tedious International Break™ is coming up next. Is it just me that doesn't really care about international football during the season? I'm all for it afterwards but.. stop interrupting the leagues, damnit!

Also. Does anyone know what time exactly Darren Fletcher turned from pretty good into possible world beater? It's really outstanding how much he's improved over the seasons. Certainly now surely Roy Keane can understand why people in Scotland rave about Darren Fletcher.

Anyway. When we do come back after the international break the Champions League kicks back in again. We were given a draw of such equally sort-of-good teams that's actually quite tough. Especially Wolfsburg and CSKA Moscow. Besiktas though, who were humiliated by Liverpool 8-0 a couple of years ago.. surely we should be looking forward to a double figures victory?

Speaking of cup draws. Our Carling Cup draw of course faces us with a Premier League team, thankfully not a particularly tough one. Mick McCarthy's Wolverhampton Wanderers will be our opponents for the reserves. Is it just me that really enjoys watching them?

So no Manchester United for a few weeks... what to do... what to do?

This blog has been brought to you by;

• Absolutely hating the colour commentator for ESPN's coverage of Serie A. Who successfully got every player wrong in the Roma vs. Juventus match.
• Banana Milkshakes.
• Deciding which International team to support for a few weeks.

#17 - Redemption

Apparently a Manchester United XI side were involved in a football match at Turf Moor on wednesday... but this blogger doesn't know anything about that. As far as he is concerned it didn't happen.

We did absolutely definitely play against Wigan Atheltic yesterday (home fans pictured). After a first half reminicent of the match against Burnley we came out the second half and torn them a new one. Much to the dissapointment of Wigan Atheltic's only fan Fatty Pieman. With Rooney's brace, a Berbagol, Michael Owen's competitive first goal and a Nani free kick our scorers were exactly who we would have wanted. Ben Foster again made a few cracking saves as well and looked far more assured than he did a few weeks ago. Which gives people on internet forums (who on wednesday, in their wisdom along with the media procclaimed doom and gloom [which I will now refer to as dloom] to all. As United fans we should be used to the predictions of dloom) alot less to rant about.

Of course a 5-0 over a powerful but ultimately average Wigan Athletic side isn't cause for thinking about who will be facing in the Champions League final this year. A real test of how this new team will fare will come against an improved Arsenal team next weekend. Which just isn't the same fixture as it used to be, we miss Viera vs. Keane.

After seeing Darren Fletcher (actually!) football genius weave more of his magic in the centre of midfield it's more a question of "Fletcher and who?" in our midfield. With Scholes, Anderson, Carrick, and Gibson vying for that position. If we went back 5 years would any of us actually have thought Super Darren Fletcher would have turned out this good? It's a superb example of Sir Alex's guidance and keeping faith in our young guns.

Bad news though, Rio Ferdinand looks to be out for a full month and with Jonny Evans looking set to need surgery at some point in the future our defence could get a bit wobbly. Thankfully though T-1000* Nemanja Vidic and apparently now good John O'Shea we should be able to come through it unscaved.

*I realise the T-1000 was the one played by Robert Patrick and not Arnie but it sounds cooler.

Hm. Transfer rumours have dried up incredibly involving us lately. It's a damn drought out there. And I'm not going to sink myself as low as possible by checking Tribal Football. So I'm going to start making my own transfer rumours. I mean.. uh.. this 100% true from my Uncle's dog's cousin's best friend Susie who once knew a bloke called Ken who used to work at the trainning ground as a painter once.

In - Daniel Day-Lewis, Ronaldinho

Out - Dimitar Berbatov, Alan Keegan.

True. Daniel Day-Lewis is a direct replacement for Berbacool because he's the best damn actor in the world (watch My Left Foot) and if he got in character probably could be a professional footballer. Ronaldinho as our new announcer will be a little strange though.

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#16 - Finally

Finally the season has got underway. Celebrations in all parts of the globe were heard last weekend by all sorts of people. At least that's what the Premier League (pictured) in it's constant effort to hype itself up would like you to believe anyway.

A good day for United fans on sunday. After watching us win our first opening game since 2006-2007 season with a comfy 1-0 win over Brummy City. With some United fans regarding freebie Michael Owen as a failure due to his one well saved shot by Joe Hart, this blogger may soon have to ignore reading any message board to make himself ignorant to stupidity. These will be the same people who lambasted Ben Foster as terrible last week and now would rather him in their team than Iker Casillas after his excellent save later on in the match.

With Wayne Roney's goal he looks set to be on course for a season filled with plenty of goals, unless of course he has to play centre back next weekend. With Ferdinand out for two weeks and Vidic and Evans looking doubtful no one is quite sure who will be playing there. One-nutmeg-every-seven-years O'Shea did have a decent game at centre back but do we have any experience to cover in the centre? Mayor of Manchester Gary Neville is still an uncertainty over he will ever be able to string games together or spent his later years like a goateed Ledley King. Craig Cathcart is fastly inexperienced at this level as well but needs must.

Our reserves could still do a job for our main squad though. They did pick up the Lancashire Senior Cup (don't tell anyone Manchester isn't a part of Lancashire anymore) with a late winner from Kiko Macheda. Which under a team managed by Ole Gunnar that will probably be the norm.

Transfers rumours now come on an occasional basis. Gone are they days we'd be linked with one new random midfielder every day. Former player and current Stoke City player Ryan Shawcross has been one linked but he's been saying it's a shaw thing that he's not going. Sorry. Don't get cross.

The other rumours though continue on the more usual ridiuclous. With Barcelona fresh off doing nothing with Cesc Fabregas now wanting to do nothing with Nemanja Vidic. And the rumours of Sergio Aguero going somewhere are still a constant.

There's actual transfer news though. In a deal I thought was sorted out ages ago, Richard Eckersley is set to join Burnley. Which leads to much shrugged shoulders and general indifference everywhere. As well as that Tom Cleverley is sent out on loan to Watford and wondering what all the buzzing noise is. Daniel Drinkwater will be tasting the water in Huddersfield. Danny Simpson will be looking embarassed in Newcastle United's terrible away strip. Lastly Tom Heaton's also been loaned out to Queen's Park Rangers and wondering why the other players he's with are getting paid more than him.

In other news Patrice Evra continues to be a legend.

Despite that news being boring the season is back. And whilst we may have not been grabbing any major headlines there's been plenty of action. Phantom goals and Liverpool losing being the highlights.

This blog has been brought to you by;

• Turning old.
• The annoying sound of a hoover.
• Wondering how long I could survive in an Irish bar with a fake Irish accent and constantly exclaiming "Roy Keane!"

#15 - Foyled

In another "devastating" cup defeat right up their with our penalty shoot out loss to Bayern Munchen in the Audi Cup. We are neither champions of the Community as we lose out on the Community Shield (pictured). Whatever that is supposed to mean anyway. Of course, people are rightly angry about the manner of Chelsea's goal. Although the result ended in a draw due to Rooney's fine goal it was the luck of a penalty shoot out that sent us home crying about our lack of community status. Patrice Evra was booked for a foul that really, just looked like every tackle Wes Brown has ever made. Oh well.

Of course, I don't care, you don't care and Chelsea don't care.

Short-sleeved Sir Alex cares of course, going as far as to saying the incident cost us the game. Perhaps a little too harsh since we did equalise later on, still. We've got a right to be furious... for a day. Until everyone forgets about it. Do you remember that charity shield match in 1996? No! No one does!

It's still lovely to know that we're just one week away from our first real game against Birmingham next week and all things considered it was quite a good performance, first half especially.

This comes after an impressive display against Valencia in the mid-week in which Valencia looked good. No, not Valencia... Valencia. The game was capped by a clever finish from Tom Cleverley. Oh. I've resorted to terrible puns lately.

A couple of days ago this bloggers favourite newspaper, The Guardian posted what had to be some sort of sick joke. Or perhaps their own attempt to win "Stupidest Transfer Rumours 2009" awards. David James was said to be on his way to us. And Nicky Butt of all people to Liverpool. It's hard to think of what to say to that. Where can you possibly start? What's the next rumour? Ian Rush for us and Bryan Robson to Liverpool?

Still. Rumours are sparse. Has anyone heard any good ones?

Our reserves though are still doing well under Ole. Even Tom Heaton has learned how to finish under Ole as he scored in the friendly against VV Katwijk of the Netherlands. Yes, the same VV Katwijk that have been General County Champions in '93, '94 and memorably '00. Heaton was substituted on as an emergency striker for Febian Brandy. That wasn't all though in another strange move kitman Ian Buckingham got in the game in the last minutes. Who's next?

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• Chocolate biscuits.
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#14 - Pogs

With another signing of a player none of us know anything about besides the occasional "I signed him on Football Manager!" there's really not too much to speculate about it. There's not even any Youtube videos for us to know nothing but then claimed to have seen him play regularly. Though what I can exclusively report to you is that Frenchman Paul Pogba (pictured) was certainly not signed because his name rhymes with Drogba. Also, he was born on March 15, that's the same as Mikael Fossell. Anyway his former club Le Harve are obviously angry that they lost out to him to a much better club. Of course, everything we did was perfectly legally so we'll harve our cake and eat it too. Ho, ho, ho!

Back in Germany we lost out in a penalty shoot-out to typically shoot-out effcient Germans, Bayern Munchen. With Evans having his penalty saved as we lose out on the Audi Cup. Such a shame. As we all wanted next years chant to be "Champions of England, Champions of Audi!". For anyone who's concerned about that result, don't be. It really means nothing.

Something that sort of means something is the Community/Charity/Pre-SeasonNothingMatch Shield match against Chelsea just one week tomorrow. First though is Valencia. The club that constantly teases bankruptcy but never actually goes that final step. Still. With all those links with us and David Villa or David Silva, wouldn't it be nice if we good just kidnap one of them?

Along the lines of players we might consider kidnapping. Here's one we don't want to kidnap anymore, Frank Ribery. Who's now decided he's not going anywhere. Which he's now saying because Madrid won't fork out that much for him. Despite possibly going to buy Xabi Alonso for £stupidmillion. At least he's still got his looks... sorry.

Although we may not to be about to cheer about how we are Champions of Audi, we are Champions of Milk! Our young guns won the Milk Cup (for actual details go to the excellent United Youth blog for a condensed report). We would usually have a tour bus for our young lads but that would really be milking it... sorry. I wish I could write more milk puns but I'm only skimming the news and don't have enough time and now need to moo-ve on. I'm sure you've got it anyway.

Henrik Larsson sadly is retiring from football after breaking a knee cap. Which I'm pretty sure only happens if you piss off the mafia. So I'll be starting the speculation that Henrik Larrson has links with the Mafia much like Sinatra did.

Well, it's nice to have things to write about.

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• The sun! It's still here... for a minute or two.
• Wondering if the DFB-Porkal Cup is the coolest looking football trophy.
• Trying to get a Faroe Islands passport so I can play regular international football.

#13 - Closer

A.K.A. Getting into Gear.

After a 2-1 victory over Argentine side Boca Juniors in the Audi Cup (pictured) United are close to a final with Bayern Munchen or AC Milan. In which they might win cars or something. It's not exactly the Champions League but it might be better than the Amsterdam Trophy, maybe? It's certainly better than the Wembley cup anyway.

Somethings rarely happen and we have to treasure them especially. You could win the lottery, you could fall out of a plane and land back in 1944 and fall on top of Adolf Hitler killing him instantly. Or you could see an Anderson goal in a Manchester United shirt. Now. What what will it take for us to see an Anderson goal, for United, in open play, in a competitive match? Am I being too optimistic? Is it as often as a new Ice Age? Anyway, Antonio Valencia as well got on the score sheet against (Ray Hudon's favourite player) Juan Roman Riquleme's Boca Juniors. In what was a match much tougher than our 8-2 mauling of Hangzhou Greentown. A town I found out was not entirely green.

Meanwhile in Milan extra crates of wine are being sent to Manchester courtesy of the Special One in an attempt to try and sure his way as Sir Alex's successor. Reactions, people? This one would no doubt 'cause quite the stir among fans. There's no denying it though the man can win. Either way he will surely be on the shortlist.

In news surprising nobody except possibly aliens, Hargreaves will still be out until December now. Though with the kind of major surgery he had will we need to replace him? Will he come back as good as he was?

Isn't it rather a strange feeling now knowing that for us the summer transfer window is pretty much finished? With no strong links to any players besides rumours and wishful thinking (David Silva) I'm left to ponder what to actually write about. 90% of all United stories are the usual quotes from footballers that are entirely obvious and tell people what we already now. Yes, Rio it is nice that Jonny Evans is staying. Yes Berbagol raising HIV awareness is good, but I need some material here?

I'm resorted to poking fun of City. As they made sure they signed a defender with an alliterative name to John Terry just so no one notices. Terry himself of course shined through as a true Robin Hood... after a month. Declaring he will stay at Chelsea and will sacrifice getting payed over the top wages, for slightly-less-but-still-very over the top wages. A true England captain, alright.

And I do this for free!

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#12 - Crime

A.K.A. Jukebox Police

After Steven Gerrard (pictured in court) was cleared of affray this blogger and many other people across the world shouted in glee. At long last it was entirely legal for us too beat the living daylights out of the gits who hog the jukebox and pack it with terrible music at bars. It's a score for music lovers everywhere. At last we're legally allowed to serve a beatdown if anyone decides to select Creed on a jukebox.

Anyway. With my happiness over. Let's go back to United.

The pre-season nice-beating of East Asia continues with a 3-2 win of FC Seoul. Not too much to say about these pre-season matches are there? If we lose, so what? If we win, so what? At least though as each game goes by we can tick off another day as we get closer to the start of the season. Hurrah! Just one more game of the East Asia tour against Hangzhou Greentown tomorrow.

3rd choice striker Carlos Tevez is definitely not at City for the money. At least that's what he said before not actually saying why he was going there. We'd take any reason "don't wanna move house", "the blue brings out my eyes", or "I'm too jealous of Ryan Giggs's chest hair". Anything! Except the usual crap about it being a "project" and a "challenge". I'm sorry, but since when do footballers like "projects" and "challenges"? I thought it was about winning. How strange that only clubs supported by super-trillionbillionzillionaires are the only clubs with these "Projects"? Why does nobody join Bolton Wanderers for a "challenge" and "project". Sorry Tevez, no one believes you.

Us and Arsenal are going to get fined £5,000 (steady on, now!) for general fan troubles. Some foolish Arsenal fan threw a bottle at Nemanja Vidic. Instantly killing the bottle. One of ours threw a smoke bomb on the pitch. In a world where it's £15,000 to Croatia for racist taunts and £30,000 for the death of 20 fans. What on earth is that about? Still. Steven Gerrard is no doubt thanking his lucky stars he didn't throw a bottle at anyone.

Right. Well. Off to beat up some djs.

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• 12 jukeboxers with black eyes.
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#11 - Victory

A.K.A. Take that, Malaysia!

After two clear victories over Malaysia (pictured) we have clearly shown to the world how much better we are than pesky Malaysia as they surrender to the will of Michael Owen. As almost inevitable Owen got himself on the score sheet in both of his games. Still. It's pre-season. It's a friendly. And it's Malaysia. Any judgments made now would be foolish until it gets into actual competitive fixtures.

On bizarre Malaysia related news. A fan who attened the match was stabbed twice in the chest by his wife after coming home late. She then took him to hospital. In possibly related news. The sales of mail order brides from Malaysia has dipped in England.

Frenchman Frank Ribery was apparently "explored" by David Gill in his trip to Munchen. This is hardly a feat that can be compared to say, Sir Francis Drake, but still it's slight news to report on. Of course, Bayern Munchen (like the German equivalent of Spurs) no doubt asked for £190,000,000 for his signature. £1,000,000 for a signed photograph though.

Manchester City's 3rd choice striker Carlos Tevez is apparently not worth the £25m according to Sir Alex. Although in a world where a player under £20m these days is apparently a bargain, who knows? Meanwhile. In a darker corner of Manchester, Roque Santa Cruz weeps quietly and talks about how he used to play football once. Before diving into a pool of £50 notes.

United are apparently "battling" Chelsea to sign Douglas Costa. With Gremio constantly asking for about £20m and United and Chelsea seemingly offering about £8m, is it time to get rid of the translator?

Meanwhile, in Los Angeles David Beckham's been heckled by his own fans. The comically named "Riot Squad" (who have to date, caused zero riots) gave Becks plenty of stick as he returned from playing for a club that's about a hundred times better, in which he showed improved form and continued with more England appearances. Banners included "Is evil something u do, or something u are?" Fans of spelling everywhere cringe. Still. Did any L.A. Galaxy fans for one minute think Beckham was going to their club not to earn lots of money and hang out with insane scientologists who like giant bottles of wine?

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• Galaxy chocolate.
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• Wondering what else there is to do on a tuesday afternoon.
  

#10 - Lies

A.K.A. We're not signing any new players... oh wait.

With the signing of Mame Biram Diouf (thankfully, not pictured) announced today. Does anyone believe Sir Alex when he says we're definitely, definitely, definitely, probably, definitely, definitely not going to sign anyone else this season? The youngster will no doubt be getting a million comparisons to legend Ole Gunnar Solkjaer even if he turns out more like David Bellion. Still. I don't watch too much Norwegian football. But what I see from Youtube Molde seem to play football like Stoke City do. Still is "United sign Diouf" the worst United-related headline you've ever read?

So, in with the who-knows-if-he's-good? And out with the maybe-he-might-have-been-good! As Manucho has signed for Real Valladolid. Manucho will be fondly remembered amongst Old Trafford faithful as being "better than Dong". Not the greatest compliment, but we really didn't see much at all of him. Still, it must be awkward for agents to announce to their player about their great new move to Real....... (*valladolid*).

After stating in the last "issue" of this Rossobianchi blog of our youth players going too cheaply. Richard Eckerlsey (clearly a furious reader) decides to take the pickle by doing the exact same thing. Thankfully though, he'll be joining maybe-he-was-quite-good Chris Eagles at Burnley. Who have the potential of being either really good or really bad this season. There is no middleground.

Despite things blowing up in Indonesia the Asian tour will go on for United. Our first taste of Michael Owen may well come tomorrow. Let's hope he doesn't get injured!

Speaking of which. Gabby Obertan will be spending at least the next 3 or so months in the Saha-Hargreaves Ward at Carrington it seems. On the matter of Hargreaves, he's hoping for getting back to playing for the first time in about a year at the end of September. We've all missed his curly locks. And his accent that no one's ever heard before.

So. To sum up the news.

CALL IN THE RANDOM-TRANSFER-RUMOUR-OTRON, THERE STILL MAY BE SIGNINGS!

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#9 - Shout

A.K.A. 777777777777777

Where to start? Since nothing much interesting happened for a few days I decided not to update, of course now lots of things have happened so it's time for me to get my head around them.

Sunderland have given us a pittance for the permanent services of youngster Fraizer Campbell (pictured). It was pretty obvious since Campbell's nothing stint at Tottenham Hotspur that he'd be destined to leave United in this transfer window, but is £3m enough? Is Cristiano Ronaldo 26 times the player Fraizer Campbell is? Erm, maybe. Still. It's a growing trend that most players on the exit from United (bar Ronaldo) go at incredibly cheap prices. Giuseppe Rossi, Gerard Pique, Chris Eagles and many more have been sold at not nearly the price clubs on Football Manager try and charge me. Is Football Manager not exactly like real life football? Or the other way round?

Still, the best luck to Fraizer Campbell. Who chooses Sunderland like a million other ex-United players and staff. The reason for this is usually unknown to me. Except for in this case. Fraizer Campbell had his heart set on joining Hull City until he saw what Phil Brown could do.

The big news, really of course is Michael Owen getting the much coveted #7. With the previous 3 holders of the numbers being Eric Cantona, David Beckham and Cristiano Ronaldo. Michael Owen certainly has alot to live up for. With many fans believing he's not "worthy" of the number. This to me though, is a slight bit of genius. Given to Obertan, Valencia, Nani, Welbeck or Macheda this number would have been a huge weight on their shoulders as they are constantly branded "the next Ronaldo" or "Ronaldo replacement". Michael Owen on the other hand really has none of this pressure. There isn't much expectancy on him anyway. He has two jobs; a) Don't get injured and b) Put ball in correct net. This then relieves the pressure for whoever takes on the holy number after his deaprture. Let's face it, it's probably going to be me.

The dynamic duo of Carlos Tevez and Kia Joorabchian have finally got enough money out of City's billions and Tevez has at last signed for them. No doubt looking forward to Champions League finals and trophies galore. Oh wait? What? They aren't in the Champions League? They've not won a trophy in 33 years? Why has he gone there then? Oh, they're owned by a billionaire? Ah, I see!

Sir Alex now says with the signings of Obertan, Valencia and Owen that he's done with any purchases this summer. This said hours after reportedly packaging (with a bow and fancy wrapping paper) a new bid for "next next next next Ronaldinho" Douglas Costa. Everyone is always the next someone.

Papers though continue to link us with strikers. With City "ending" (aka not ending.. "coming back later with more cash") their interest in Samuel Eto'o. The papers (and random people on internet forums) have linked us with a possible capture for the extra-vowel-one. As well as the usual links with Klaas-Jan Huntelaar we've also been linked with Zlatan Ibrahimovic. Which is obviously not true.

After a string of burglaries on Mersyside with the theft of football players's homes. Players in Liverpool having seemingly increased their defences to Fort Knox standards forcing many scouse thieves to hide in the toilet of the train on it's way to Manchester for work. After Darren Fletcher's house was robbed earlier this year, "hard bastard" Kiko Macheda's house was next. When will these robberies end? I'll tell you when. When they accidentally try and steal from Nemanja Vidic whilst he's still in the house. God save their souls.

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#8 - Calm

A.K.A. Back to made up transfer rumours.

Has everyone got over the Michael Owen transfer now? Just checking.

Firstly. A new winger may well be on our way as Bordeaux's president says Gabriel Obertan (pictured - get it?) is on his way here. Obviously, with the lack of goals in every match, I don't really watch the Ligue Un. So I have no idea if he's good. I also refuse to believe YouTube. Either way, he'll probably be cheap.

Still this news surprised Laurent Blanc although he's probably not been paying attention as he'll be spending until August 31st hiding the fact that Yoann Gourcuff is brilliant.

The press though, continue to link us with more strikers. Moody Samuel Eto'o has once again been linked with us. Though this is going against our Berbatov "last of his kind" policy.

Another, far more likely option is Klaas-Jan Huntelaar. Football Manager 07's favourite. With him being unlikely to get a shout in the Madrid starting eleven because he's dutch and not as good as Benzema. Although it all really depends on what team Real Madrid's secret manager Raul decides to pick anyway.

Sticking with Real Madrid, unknown-Portuguese winger Cristiano Ronaldo finalised his move to Madrid in a naturally over-the-top fashion in front of 75,000 people. It must really pain other clubs who can barely fill out their stadium to know that if they'd payed £80m they might have sold out for once. Ronaldo will be taking up #9 since Raul is also secretly the King of Spain.

Either way Cristiano Ronaldo has shown about 9x as much grace in leaving (that includes punching a photographer) than Carlos Tevez has. On a related note. Why hasn't he signed for City yet?

Assuming we still want Ribery (which we shouldn't do) then apparently Bayern Munchen have got out their pricing guns and wrote "£69,000,000" on Ribery's face. With laughter from Madrid being heard in Manchester.

In gob-smacking news. News that will shake the foundations to the very core. This news is probably 8.9 at the least on the Richter scale. Lee Martin has completed his move to Roy Keane's Ipswich Town. Roy Keane is still too lazy to look for players anywhere else.

In more stupid news. Apparently nobody is buying Michael Owen shirts. This is almost certainly because he doesn't have a number and it would be stupid to have a shirt with just Owen and a blank space on the back. Oh, the Sun. Get back to reporting about Michael Jackson's "ghost". This is why I have the Guardian linked on this site instead.

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