Wednesday 17 February 2010

#36 - Ginger

Ronaldinho is a very skillful player. He's scored brilliant goals [1][2][etc], and for some time was the greatest player on the planet. He almost even signed for Manchester United, the lucky lucky man. Unforunately he didn't. Fortunately we still have Paul Scholes (pictured). Who performed the most convincing trick that would make anyone has ever witnessed. He convinced many that he was actually trying to score with his right foot. In fact he shaped up his left peg at the most perfect angle to slip it past Dida's right hand post to score the equaliser. It was a world class dummy. The world doesn't even know it.

Don't tell me anything different.

Of course, that wasn't the full story of the match. Ronaldinho himself opened the scoring after it took a fortunate deflection off Carrick (or if you heard Andy Gray without watching the replays, Jonny Evans - several times - he almost made it sound like Ronaldinho intended it. Ronaldinho is not Scholes). From that point on our defence was as shaky as some shaky things doing the shaky-shaky during some sort of earthquake. Jonny Evans clearly looked quite intimidated by the San Siro. The even more intimidated by Sir Alex after quite the ear bashing and with more mentions of the word "fuck" than almost any episode of the brilliant The Thick of It. Then, the Ginger Ninja pounced!

So it stayed until half-time, in which hair dryers were turned on. There were short blackouts reported throughout Milan. Then came the second half. Wayne Rooney has pretty much turned into the complete package of a striker this season. Improving on an already brilliant template. Antonio Valencia came on for Nani, who although he didn't shine as he has done recently, didn't really get enough chances to run at Giuseppe Favalli, 103. Valencia it was who only a few minutes after he came off the bench dinked in a beautiful cross for Wayne Rooney to head it looping over Dida. Dinked is a real word, possibly. Then it was "big-game" or as I prefer to say "any-game" Darren Fletcher who as well as continuing to be a formidable engine in the middle put in a lovely ball for Rooney's second. From then on, with us playing incredibly better the game seemed like a formality. Even the second leg. That was until late on when Clarence Seedorf, 158, scored with a cheeky flick - though not as cheeky as Scholes. Late on Carrick was sent off for a second yellow on the grounds of pure pedanticalness. It probably was a second yellow, but it was also unnecessary. 3-2 the final score. Which would have all wanted before the match, but afterwards, sort of feel a bit annoyed about now. Still. We're in the driving seat now, and we know how to beat them. The stigma of the San Siro has ended.

Of course, many people will be wondering what happened to our second striker, Own Goal. Who wasn't playing last night. Which is especially surprising given his excellent run of form. His equaliser against Aston Villa was his 10th of the season. Eat your heart out, Dimitar.

The Villa match, a sort-of preview but-not-really of the upcoming League Cup final should have been our path to first place after Louis Saha scored twice to sink Chelsea. Alas, possibly due to Nani's stupid sending off (although we continued to be the better side) it only finished as a draw. Chelsea though, are definitely there for the taking. Especially with Ashley "phone" Cole out until possibly the end of the season.

In bizarre transfer news Mark Davies, the relatively competent Bolton midfielder is apparently being tracked by United and Liverpool. Considering he's not even good enough for Liverpool this is probably baloney. I imagine an agent has been wink-winking the press in hope of his player (and from that himself) getting a better contract. Or maybe it's the fact that it's his birthday tomorrow.

This blog has been brought to you by;
  • Trying to do the "Scholes flick"/"Ninja dummy".
  • Thinking Moho is the best place for small gigs in Manchester.
  • Charlie Brooker's Newswipe.
  • Being surprised that "pedanticalness" is the adjective form of "pedantic".

Tuesday 9 February 2010

#35 - O.G.

Sir Alex has a wonderful eye for talent. None more so than this years latest signing Mr. O. Goal (pictured), we don't know much about this mysterious player other than his recent form is quite exceptional. After scoring the opener against Arsenal, O.G. went on to net a hat-trick against helpless Portsmouth. Portsmouth, who are managed by Baron Silas Greenback who, inspite of what his team may doing on the pitch, is not shy of scoring himself.

Mr. Goal has now scored more goals than any other player this season bar Wayne Rooney. Of course, the mysterious underground illumnati new world order group that is the Dubious Goals Panel may take some away from him. Some would claim that Michael Carrick's shot was going on target before it took a quite spectacular deflection. The Dubious Goal Committee (a.k.a. Dubious Goals Skull and Bones Society) is a cult full of bizarre and degrading initiation rituals. They dwell in a medieval room under a church and sit around a round table in candle light. They can't know each others identity in case they discuss goals with each other so they have to wear horse masks for all their meetings. Someone please tell Alex Jones. And wait patiently for Dan Brown's next book The Da Vinci Goal.

After that revelaing insight, I think they'll come after me now. And take my hard earned goals away. Well they would, if it wasn't for my professional record of 0 appearances and 0 goals. Which cuts me at a ratio of a goal of game, sort of.

So next up is our future League Cup final opponents, Aston Villa. Away at Villa Park is usually a guarenteed result but Aston Villa did beat us earlier this season at home. Unfortunately for them, this is our time of the season to steam roll as quickly as possible to the title. Judging by their negative performance against Tottenham Hotspur we may well see a recreation of the style of match we had against Portsmouth. Defence vs. Attack.

Then comes the big one in the San Siro, David Beckham's AC Milan. AC Milan have got over their bit of good form lately and are back to being their under performing selves. Though recently this may have been due to the abscene of Alessandro Nesta. Who I'm pretty sure has another good 30 years to go before he needs to retire.

Beck's though has been heaping praise on the club and the fans lately. He clearly wants us not to boo him. We won't, we still love you, David.

In our last piece of news-worthy news our kid Matty James has gone on loan to... no, you guess. Go on. Who do you think? Yep, you're right, the new Royal Antwerp - Preston North End. Sir Alex must really be close with their manager, eh?

So, Google Analytics is a very useful tool for seeing how people get to this blog. Usually it's through the excellent Repulik of Mancunia blog but sometimes strange google searches seem to pop us up as a result. Here's a few examples of what people have searched to get here: "edwin var sars favourite colour", "djemba djemba transfer rumours 2009", and the champion of all bizarre searches to get here - "kaka licking sucking michael owen his cock". Lovely stuff. What sort of weird internet porn is that? Go on, which one of you was it?

This blog has been brought to you by;
  • Wanting to watch Danger Mouse again.
  • The brilliant new Crime in Stereo album "I Was Going to Describe You to Someone."
  • Frosties.

Monday 1 February 2010

#34 - Well

According to reports on the 23rd January 2010 we signed Nani. Who's been excellent in his first 3 games for the club, and much more promising than our previous Nani who we must have sold or thrown in the skip. That is a bit harsh on Nani who in the past few years hasn't been able to get a run of games and only had a brilliant game for about every 1 in 7 or so.

The boy though, seems to have become a man. And whilst we should not get ahead of ourselves like many were on praising Obertan after a ridiculously short amount of time on the pitch the future does look bright for Nani as he plays on the right wing instead of his usual favoured left. This of course, means Antonio Valencia will need to have his right leg surgicially switched with his left to be in the first team.

Now then. Where to start? It would make sense to start at the beginning but maybe I want to do it like LOST and have flashbacks. Probably not right now.

On Nani's debut against Hull City, Manchester United after being robbed by Mike Dean who unsurprisingly is from Mersyside they bounced back. Most people who have been robbed report it to the police or go on Crimewatch, not us though, oh no! The surprise start of new signing Nani against Hull City was a huge breath of fresh air, and inevitably comparisons to Crisitano Ronaldo were made. We were rampant against Hull City - but then we were always going to be - we were playing Hull City. Wayne Rooney decided scoring 4 goals is good for a laugh.

Now then came the second leg against our former City rivals who have now been replaced with a toy for a super-billionaire. It's sort of like supporting someone who's cheating on Football Manger. Of course most City fans will clog their eyes and shout "la-la-la" whilst trying to cover up the "Stockport" part of their address and claiming to live exactly in the very centre of Manchester. United played the this-blogger-approved 4-5-1 system. Many people who don't watch any football outside of England assume that 4-4-2 is the only formation that exists. They also assume it is attacking. It is not. Formations are neutral. You can play 6-4-0 and still be an attacking team. Anyway. The atmosphere was excellent and the Green and Gold campaign was getting noticed. Which is helpful as it's a bright colour. The black coats campaign wouldn't be very visible.

Scholesy, Carrick and an injury time winner by Wayne Rooney put us through to yet another final. We may as well just have our own changing room in Wembley Stadium now. Some scruffy looking Argentine fella scored for City but that's entirely irrelevant. Spirits were high, as club in debt beat club with the classic "Bovine" cheat. In retaliation Manchester City will probably sign 17 new players by the transfer deadline in a few hours.

Then came a far bigger match against Arsenal. Our league form in the first half of the season had been sloppy - but then again, isn't it always? Our record against the big four teams in the Premier League was very poor in recent games but in what may have caused many Arsenal fans flashbacks to the Champions League semi-final we cruised to victory. Nani's superb bit of skill resulted in a harsly awarded Manuel Almunia own goal. Although personally I would have given the goal to Nani, just 'cause I say so. Minutes later, Rooney made it to in a goal which was scored in the exact same amount of time as Cristiano Ronaldo's beautiful counter attack in the Champions League last season. Ji-Sung Park rounded off the scoring as he always likes to do against Arsenal. This hopefully, becoming the boost for our 2nd half plunder of the Premiership to win it for a record 19th time, and a record 4th time in a row.

That's not all, oh no.

News on Keith Harris (apparently not pictured with Orville) is gathering some sort of group of Red Knights to take over the club from the Glazers. It all sounds very promising but would the Glazers who are succesfully raping our club of many millions of pounds want to sell such a get-richer-quicker scheme?

The Red Knights name though is interesting. If they are succesful in taking over the club they could all sit around a King Artuhur-esque Round Table and rename Old Trafford to Camelot. Not to be confused with the crappy theme park of the same name in Chorley.

Hopefully then all good news, everywhere. Unless you're Wayne Bridge.

And for those watching Sky Sports News on Transfer Deadline Day. Nothing is going to happen. Unless it does, in which case I look like an idiot. Hurrah.

This blog has been brought you by;
  • Milka Chocolate
  • Cockiness
  • Team Teamwork's excellent mash-up album of hip-hop and Final Fantasy VII. Vinyl Fantasy 7.