Wednesday 29 July 2009

#13 - Closer

A.K.A. Getting into Gear.

After a 2-1 victory over Argentine side Boca Juniors in the Audi Cup (pictured) United are close to a final with Bayern Munchen or AC Milan. In which they might win cars or something. It's not exactly the Champions League but it might be better than the Amsterdam Trophy, maybe? It's certainly better than the Wembley cup anyway.

Somethings rarely happen and we have to treasure them especially. You could win the lottery, you could fall out of a plane and land back in 1944 and fall on top of Adolf Hitler killing him instantly. Or you could see an Anderson goal in a Manchester United shirt. Now. What what will it take for us to see an Anderson goal, for United, in open play, in a competitive match? Am I being too optimistic? Is it as often as a new Ice Age? Anyway, Antonio Valencia as well got on the score sheet against (Ray Hudon's favourite player) Juan Roman Riquleme's Boca Juniors. In what was a match much tougher than our 8-2 mauling of Hangzhou Greentown. A town I found out was not entirely green.

Meanwhile in Milan extra crates of wine are being sent to Manchester courtesy of the Special One in an attempt to try and sure his way as Sir Alex's successor. Reactions, people? This one would no doubt 'cause quite the stir among fans. There's no denying it though the man can win. Either way he will surely be on the shortlist.

In news surprising nobody except possibly aliens, Hargreaves will still be out until December now. Though with the kind of major surgery he had will we need to replace him? Will he come back as good as he was?

Isn't it rather a strange feeling now knowing that for us the summer transfer window is pretty much finished? With no strong links to any players besides rumours and wishful thinking (David Silva) I'm left to ponder what to actually write about. 90% of all United stories are the usual quotes from footballers that are entirely obvious and tell people what we already now. Yes, Rio it is nice that Jonny Evans is staying. Yes Berbagol raising HIV awareness is good, but I need some material here?

I'm resorted to poking fun of City. As they made sure they signed a defender with an alliterative name to John Terry just so no one notices. Terry himself of course shined through as a true Robin Hood... after a month. Declaring he will stay at Chelsea and will sacrifice getting payed over the top wages, for slightly-less-but-still-very over the top wages. A true England captain, alright.

And I do this for free!

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Saturday 25 July 2009

#12 - Crime

A.K.A. Jukebox Police

After Steven Gerrard (pictured in court) was cleared of affray this blogger and many other people across the world shouted in glee. At long last it was entirely legal for us too beat the living daylights out of the gits who hog the jukebox and pack it with terrible music at bars. It's a score for music lovers everywhere. At last we're legally allowed to serve a beatdown if anyone decides to select Creed on a jukebox.

Anyway. With my happiness over. Let's go back to United.

The pre-season nice-beating of East Asia continues with a 3-2 win of FC Seoul. Not too much to say about these pre-season matches are there? If we lose, so what? If we win, so what? At least though as each game goes by we can tick off another day as we get closer to the start of the season. Hurrah! Just one more game of the East Asia tour against Hangzhou Greentown tomorrow.

3rd choice striker Carlos Tevez is definitely not at City for the money. At least that's what he said before not actually saying why he was going there. We'd take any reason "don't wanna move house", "the blue brings out my eyes", or "I'm too jealous of Ryan Giggs's chest hair". Anything! Except the usual crap about it being a "project" and a "challenge". I'm sorry, but since when do footballers like "projects" and "challenges"? I thought it was about winning. How strange that only clubs supported by super-trillionbillionzillionaires are the only clubs with these "Projects"? Why does nobody join Bolton Wanderers for a "challenge" and "project". Sorry Tevez, no one believes you.

Us and Arsenal are going to get fined £5,000 (steady on, now!) for general fan troubles. Some foolish Arsenal fan threw a bottle at Nemanja Vidic. Instantly killing the bottle. One of ours threw a smoke bomb on the pitch. In a world where it's £15,000 to Croatia for racist taunts and £30,000 for the death of 20 fans. What on earth is that about? Still. Steven Gerrard is no doubt thanking his lucky stars he didn't throw a bottle at anyone.

Right. Well. Off to beat up some djs.

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Tuesday 21 July 2009

#11 - Victory

A.K.A. Take that, Malaysia!

After two clear victories over Malaysia (pictured) we have clearly shown to the world how much better we are than pesky Malaysia as they surrender to the will of Michael Owen. As almost inevitable Owen got himself on the score sheet in both of his games. Still. It's pre-season. It's a friendly. And it's Malaysia. Any judgments made now would be foolish until it gets into actual competitive fixtures.

On bizarre Malaysia related news. A fan who attened the match was stabbed twice in the chest by his wife after coming home late. She then took him to hospital. In possibly related news. The sales of mail order brides from Malaysia has dipped in England.

Frenchman Frank Ribery was apparently "explored" by David Gill in his trip to Munchen. This is hardly a feat that can be compared to say, Sir Francis Drake, but still it's slight news to report on. Of course, Bayern Munchen (like the German equivalent of Spurs) no doubt asked for £190,000,000 for his signature. £1,000,000 for a signed photograph though.

Manchester City's 3rd choice striker Carlos Tevez is apparently not worth the £25m according to Sir Alex. Although in a world where a player under £20m these days is apparently a bargain, who knows? Meanwhile. In a darker corner of Manchester, Roque Santa Cruz weeps quietly and talks about how he used to play football once. Before diving into a pool of £50 notes.

United are apparently "battling" Chelsea to sign Douglas Costa. With Gremio constantly asking for about £20m and United and Chelsea seemingly offering about £8m, is it time to get rid of the translator?

Meanwhile, in Los Angeles David Beckham's been heckled by his own fans. The comically named "Riot Squad" (who have to date, caused zero riots) gave Becks plenty of stick as he returned from playing for a club that's about a hundred times better, in which he showed improved form and continued with more England appearances. Banners included "Is evil something u do, or something u are?" Fans of spelling everywhere cringe. Still. Did any L.A. Galaxy fans for one minute think Beckham was going to their club not to earn lots of money and hang out with insane scientologists who like giant bottles of wine?

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Friday 17 July 2009

#10 - Lies

A.K.A. We're not signing any new players... oh wait.

With the signing of Mame Biram Diouf (thankfully, not pictured) announced today. Does anyone believe Sir Alex when he says we're definitely, definitely, definitely, probably, definitely, definitely not going to sign anyone else this season? The youngster will no doubt be getting a million comparisons to legend Ole Gunnar Solkjaer even if he turns out more like David Bellion. Still. I don't watch too much Norwegian football. But what I see from Youtube Molde seem to play football like Stoke City do. Still is "United sign Diouf" the worst United-related headline you've ever read?

So, in with the who-knows-if-he's-good? And out with the maybe-he-might-have-been-good! As Manucho has signed for Real Valladolid. Manucho will be fondly remembered amongst Old Trafford faithful as being "better than Dong". Not the greatest compliment, but we really didn't see much at all of him. Still, it must be awkward for agents to announce to their player about their great new move to Real.......

After stating in the last "issue" of this Rossobianchi blog of our youth players going too cheaply. Richard Eckerlsey (clearly a furious reader) decides to take the pickle by doing the exact same thing. Thankfully though, he'll be joining maybe-he-was-quite-good Chris Eagles at Burnley. Who have the potential of being either really good or really bad this season. There is no middleground.

Despite things blowing up in Indonesia the Asian tour will go on for United. Our first taste of Michael Owen may well come tomorrow. Let's hope he doesn't get injured!

Speaking of which. Gabby Obertan will be spending at least the next 3 or so months in the Saha-Hargreaves Ward at Carrington it seems. On the matter of Hargreaves, he's hoping for getting back to playing for the first time in about a year at the end of September. We've all missed his curly locks. And his accent that no one's ever heard before.

So. To sum up the news.


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Monday 13 July 2009

#9 - Shout

A.K.A. 777777777777777

Where to start? Since nothing much interesting happened for a few days I decided not to update, of course now lots of things have happened so it's time for me to get my head around them.

Sunderland have given us a pittance for the permanent services of youngster Fraizer Campbell (pictured). It was pretty obvious since Campbell's nothing stint at Tottenham Hotspur that he'd be destined to leave United in this transfer window, but is £3m enough? Is Cristiano Ronaldo 26 times the player Fraizer Campbell is? Erm, maybe. Still. It's a growing trend that most players on the exit from United (bar Ronaldo) go at incredibly cheap prices. Giuseppe Rossi, Gerard Pique, Chris Eagles and many more have been sold at not nearly the price clubs on Football Manager try and charge me. Is Football Manager not exactly like real life football? Or the other way round?

Still, the best luck to Fraizer Campbell. Who chooses Sunderland like a million other ex-United players and staff. The reason for this is usually unknown to me. Except for in this case. Fraizer Campbell had his heart set on joining Hull City until he saw what Phil Brown could do.

The big news, really of course is Michael Owen getting the much coveted #7. With the previous 3 holders of the numbers being Eric Cantona, David Beckham and Cristiano Ronaldo. Michael Owen certainly has alot to live up for. With many fans believing he's not "worthy" of the number. This to me though, is a slight bit of genius. Given to Obertan, Valencia, Nani, Welbeck or Macheda this number would have been a huge weight on their shoulders as they are constantly branded "the next Ronaldo" or "Ronaldo replacement". Michael Owen on the other hand really has none of this pressure. There isn't much expectancy on him anyway. He has two jobs; a) Don't get injured and b) Put ball in correct net. This then relieves the pressure for whoever takes on the holy number after his deaprture. Let's face it, it's probably going to be me.

The dynamic duo of Carlos Tevez and Kia Joorabchian have finally got enough money out of City's billions and Tevez has at last signed for them. No doubt looking forward to Champions League finals and trophies galore. Oh wait? What? They aren't in the Champions League? They've not won a trophy in 33 years? Why has he gone there then? Oh, they're owned by a billionaire? Ah, I see!

Sir Alex now says with the signings of Obertan, Valencia and Owen that he's done with any purchases this summer. This said hours after reportedly packaging (with a bow and fancy wrapping paper) a new bid for "next next next next Ronaldinho" Douglas Costa. Everyone is always the next someone.

Papers though continue to link us with strikers. With City "ending" (aka not ending.. "coming back later with more cash") their interest in Samuel Eto'o. The papers (and random people on internet forums) have linked us with a possible capture for the extra-vowel-one. As well as the usual links with Klaas-Jan Huntelaar we've also been linked with Zlatan Ibrahimovic. Which is obviously not true.

After a string of burglaries on Mersyside with the theft of football players's homes. Players in Liverpool having seemingly increased their defences to Fort Knox standards forcing many scouse thieves to hide in the toilet of the train on it's way to Manchester for work. After Darren Fletcher's house was robbed earlier this year, "hard bastard" Kiko Macheda's house was next. When will these robberies end? I'll tell you when. When they accidentally try and steal from Nemanja Vidic whilst he's still in the house. God save their souls.

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Tuesday 7 July 2009

#8 - Calm

A.K.A. Back to made up transfer rumours.

Has everyone got over the Michael Owen transfer now? Just checking.

Firstly. A new winger may well be on our way as Bordeaux's president says Gabriel Obertan (pictured - get it?) is on his way here. Obviously, with the lack of goals in every match, I don't really watch the Ligue Un. So I have no idea if he's good. I also refuse to believe YouTube. Either way, he'll probably be cheap.

Still this news surprised Laurent Blanc although he's probably not been paying attention as he'll be spending until August 31st hiding the fact that Yoann Gourcuff is brilliant.

The press though, continue to link us with more strikers. Moody Samuel Eto'o has once again been linked with us. Though this is going against our Berbatov "last of his kind" policy.

Another, far more likely option is Klaas-Jan Huntelaar. Football Manager 07's favourite. With him being unlikely to get a shout in the Madrid starting eleven because he's dutch and not as good as Benzema. Although it all really depends on what team Real Madrid's secret manager Raul decides to pick anyway.

Sticking with Real Madrid, unknown-Portuguese winger Cristiano Ronaldo finalised his move to Madrid in a naturally over-the-top fashion in front of 75,000 people. It must really pain other clubs who can barely fill out their stadium to know that if they'd payed £80m they might have sold out for once. Ronaldo will be taking up #9 since Raul is also secretly the King of Spain.

Either way Cristiano Ronaldo has shown about 9x as much grace in leaving (that includes punching a photographer) than Carlos Tevez has. On a related note. Why hasn't he signed for City yet?

Assuming we still want Ribery (which we shouldn't do) then apparently Bayern Munchen have got out their pricing guns and wrote "£69,000,000" on Ribery's face. With laughter from Madrid being heard in Manchester.

In gob-smacking news. News that will shake the foundations to the very core. This news is probably 8.9 at the least on the Richter scale. Lee Martin has completed his move to Roy Keane's Ipswich Town. Roy Keane is still too lazy to look for players anywhere else.

In more stupid news. Apparently nobody is buying Michael Owen shirts. This is almost certainly because he doesn't have a number and it would be stupid to have a shirt with just Owen and a blank space on the back. Oh, the Sun. Get back to reporting about Michael Jackson's "ghost". This is why I have the Guardian linked on this site instead.

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Saturday 4 July 2009

#7 - Shock

A.K.A. "WTF?!? HE IZ NOT WORF £30,000,000 DEN HE IS NT GD, K?!?"

With many United fans going absolutely ape-shit at the signing of free Michael Owen (pictured) you must wonder if they have any perspective at all? As United fans we've been spoiled with big money signings pretty much season in and season out. For some reason though, when we've signed a free player people have gone crazy. Does it matter that he used to play for Liverpool, anymore? Really? It's common place for players to transfer from Inter to Milan. Inter to Juventus. Even Barca to Real Madrid. Yet, this.. a free agent who used to play for Liverpool a long time ago seems to be annoying a strange bunch of United fans. Apparently his Liverpool past taints him in some way. Who did Sir Matt Busby play for, by the way?

If anything if he avoids the Hargreaves-Saha Centre (former Physio room) then he could be an absolute steal. It took me a bit, but if I can get round it to seeing it's a good deal (with no risk) then others should be able to.

With my mini-rant over. Michael Owen isn't the only news recently. Here's some more;

We've knicked yet another Italian and possibly enraged the Pope, as much like Rossi, Macheda and Petrucci before him. Empoli's Alberto Massaci has joinned up. If Carlos Alberto thinks we're still raping Brazil then I don't want to know what we're doing to Italy.

Aswell as that we've also got Charlton Athletics' Sean McGinty. I know nothing about him. I can't think of anything interesting to say about it.

This bloggers' favourite player, pretend-Italian Rodrigo Possebon (sing the song, now!) has joined Braga on loan. Which is a shame as we won't get his floppy hair and amazing chant all season now.

Tevez says if he scores against United (assuming that someone actually signs him) then he's going to shout in Fergusons face. I'm absoultely certain no one since Mama Fergie in about 1947 has done this. I really don't think he'll be winning that one, Tevez. And until he actually gets a club I suppose he's just going to have to do it on FIFA or Pro Evo.

John Terry said he could have beaten United in the last Champions League final. I could have won Le Mans 24/7 also if I knew how to drive.

So with Antonio Valencia, Michael Owen and some kids. Who's next for United? Can we expect a big signing? Questions, questons.

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Thursday 2 July 2009

#6 - Action

A.K.A. Be careful what you wish for.

After my moaning and complaining about lack of news recently, now there's a stack load of it on my desk. Not literally, my desk is actually full of empty bottles of many varieties. I just thought that would make me sound professional. Anyway.

With Real Madrid now totaling up their summer spends to £180,000,000. €210,000,000. $295,000,000. Z$127,000,000,000. My current theory is that Florentino Perez's excrement (pictured) is solid gold.

Shortly after United announced the absolutely obvious signing for Antonio Valencia from Dave Whelan FC, Real Madrid announced they had spent £30m (possibly rising to £35m) on Karim Benzema. Offering £6m more than United.. an apparently £80m+ transfer budget club, could produce. Now my maths has rapidly deteriorated since school but I'm pretty sure we could have afforded that no problem. If only we'd offered them Fraizer Campbell on loan for a year, ey?

Still. I'll let the serious bloggers talk about finances and what colour shoe laces the Glazers wear.

Of course, all knee-jerkers and nay-sayers will be predicting doom and gloom for us for the next century. Though personally I think it's a blessing in disguise. He always wanted to go to Madrid, did we need another player "doing a Ronaldo"? Absoultely not.

Speaking of "doing a Ronaldo", Bayern Munchen fans no doubt feel our frustration as Frank Ribery says he wants to go to Real Madrid, and only Madrid. Not Celta Vigo, Madrid. Not Mallorca, Madrid. Assuming Perez pulls out more money from you-know-where this will leave Real Madrid with about 50 players and only 25 to chose from for their actual league squad. Some good players will have to leave. Let's hope we can snag Gonzalo Higuian.

Another one of a million transfer targets, David Villa has apparently told Barca director Txiqui Begiristain that he will only join Barca in a secret meeting. Which clearly, is not so secret if I know about it. Anyone with any idea how to pronounce Txiqui, I'd be glad to hear it.

Fraizer Campbell is so close to joining Hull City right now he can hear Phil Brown's glorious signing voice and smell his fake tan lotion.

Lee Martin is another ex-United player on his way to join Roy Keane's Ipswich Town. Is Keane is just too lazy to search for players anywhere else?

With all this nish-nishing to United in the transfer market. Is it just me that expects a vagary transfer? ('s Word of the Day)

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